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Recently I’ve been noticing something that irritates me to no end.

Here’s the situation :

I walk up to an elevator and press the button, say, the UP button. Then some shit comes along and presses the fucking button again, even though he sees that the button has already been depressed.

Why the bloody fuck would you want to press a button that’s already been fucking pressed? Don’t you trust my button pressing, you motherfucking pissant?

And another thing that annoys me, why do people press elevator buttons repeatedly in the hopes that the fucking lift will come faster? IT DOESN”T FUCKING WORK THAT FUCKING WAY, IDIOTS! FUCKKK!!!

I hate all of you.

Hello Idiots.

This is my first post since my wedding. I’ve been married almost a week, but in the past few days I’ve felt a bit softer, a bit more mellow. Maybe it’s the fun I’m having and all.

But then, I was driving around a few days ago and I realized that the tons of flags, posters and banners will probably stay there until they rot away. And most of this stuff is plastic, which is not biodegradable anyway.

So, in keeping with my tradition of making lists, here is my first list as an "Unbachelor".

THINGS I HATE ABOUT ELECTION SEASON :

1. All the garbage that won’t be cleaned up. Filthy bastards.

2. Ugly faces on posters.

3. BORING newspaper content. It’s the same bloody thing every fucking day. Fuck.

4. The verbal mudslinging that goes on. In the end, everyone is corrupt. Idiots.

5. The fact that I’ve been registered to vote, even though I haven’t registered with the EC.

The only good thing that comes out of Election Day is that most of us will get a day off in order to go to the polls. I’d rather sleep at home with my hand in my pants. Lalala.

Bye Idiots.

When I was in Standard 5, I had an English teacher who asked me a question. I don’t remember her name or the exact question, but I think it had to do with naming a type of bird that you keep as a pet.

So I answered, "A Budgie."

She said, "What?"

"A budgie, you know, a budgerigar."

For you idiots out there, a budgie is a small bird related to the parrot. There are tons of them in pet shops. Or you could always look it up on Wikipedia. Anyhow, this teacher became indignant, accusing me of making stuff up and saying that "there’s no such thing as a budgerigar."

I tried to explain what the bird was; how it looked like, all that shit. She refused to listen and insisted that she was right and I was wrong.

From then on I realized that teachers, in general, are stupid. They are merely products of some teaching course in our tertiary education system. They are close-minded, and not well-read. And they also refuse to accept the simple fact that there are students who are more intelligent than they are.

I’ve come across English teachers who couldn’t speak a word of English. I’ve come across dogmatic, close-minded religious teachers who spread a warped version of religion. I’ve come across teachers who are so stubborn that even when I prove myself to be in the right, I still get busted and accused of being wrong.

Now, I’m not saying that all teachers are stupid. There are some gems in this proverbial rockpile of stubborn stupidity. To this day I still remember 3 or 4 teachers who were dedicated, open-minded and honest about teaching. They actually encouraged their students to expand their intellectual horizons beyond the stifling bucket of shit that is our education system. And to these teachers, I am forever grateful.

However, most teachers are idiots. And the sad thing is, they are imparting their idiocy to their students, who in turn will grow up to become idiots themselves. And unfortunately, most students are just mindless drones stuck in a limbo of memorizing facts and formulas. They either fail in life, or become mindless drones in a boring office environment, with no creativity and lacking the ability of critical thinking.

Now I wasn’t exactly the best student in the world. In fact, I was lazy, undisciplined and uncouth. Pretty much your all-round asshole kid. I was always arguing with my teachers, who I held in contempt because of their boring teaching skills and their lack of general knowledge. In the end, I would always end up trumping the teachers, mostly because I either threatened them in one way or another, or they finally gave up and shut up.

I guess my argumentative ways were first influence by that "Budgie" incident.

Anyway, here are some examples of teachers’ idiocy :

1. To wear a songkok with your hair showing is sinful because it mimics Jews.

2. To eat with chopsticks is sinful because chopsticks are "Satan’s Fingers" (WTF?).

3. One should not touch the Chinese because they are "dirty".

4. It is sinful to wear a bow-tie because it’s "Christian".

The above statements were all made by primary-level religious teachers. Are these the teachers we want teaching our children? These teachers are racist, stupid idiots. I was absolutely flabbergasted by the "Satan’s Fingers" thing. What the bleeding fuck?!?!

Day after day I hear more of this, and it saddens me to no end. When I have a kid, and he tells me something like this, I’m gonna go to his school at punch that teacher in the face.

But you know, teachers these days are just working for the sake of a paycheck at the end of the month. There is no dedication towards making their students better people.

The repercussions are huge.

Stupid teachers > Stupid students

Stupid students = Unprepared for the real world = Unable to perform during interviews and in jobs = An unproductive economy = Collapse of a whole nation

So don’t think that this is something that we should not be concerned about.

But in the end, it just proves my point that people are idiots.

Good night.

Hello Idiots.
I haven’t posted in a while, so here’s something for you to ponder. This is going to be a really long post.

=======================================================

The year is 2020. Malaysia is a fully developed country, and after 20 years of being a member of a major political party, I, Adlan, finally become Prime Minister at the age of 38. The youngest Prime Minister in the history of the country.

This is what I will do once I am in power.

CONSOLIDATION
1. Ban all political parties except for the ruling party. I will also ban the ones in my "coalition" government, and restructure my current party so that it will integrate all the different structures of community and races in the country. Those who refuse to adhere to this policy will be severely punished.

2. Declare myself "Emperor", though not a strictly hereditary title, I will have the power of veto and the power to appoint my successor. The "Emperor" will rule for life, or until he sees fit to abdicate his post. He will also be the sole executive decision-maker. The organization structure will be as follows :

a. The Supreme Emperor (Maharaja)
Positioned at the top of the ruling structure, the Emperor is the Supreme Ruler of the nation. Commander-in-Chief of the Military.

b. The Supreme Minister (Menteri Agung)
Sort of a vice-Emperor, with complete authority second only to the Emperor.

c. The Supreme Counselor (Penasihat Agung)
An adviser to the Emperor, with complete authority on matters of government.

d. The Supreme Council
Consisting of 10 ministers in charge of their respective ministries.

3. I will reclaim Singapore, and return it to its ancient name of Temasik.

4. I will grant "limited independence" to Kelantan, and this new protectorate will pay am annual financial tribute to Malaysia. Citizens of Kelantan, however, will require passports and other travel documents to enter Malaysia. Kelantanese people who have worked and lived for less than 20 years in Malaysia will be required to register themselves at the Immigration Department. Kelantese who have lived here for more than 20 years are accepted as citizens of Malaysia.
NOTE : "Kelantanese" refers to people born in Kelantan.

5. All royal families of their respective states will replace Menteri Besars as state rulers. States without rulers will be provided with rulers, elected from royal families of other states. All these state rulers, however, will answer to the Emperor.

RELIGION
1. All matters of religion will come under a centralized Ministry of Religion. The individual state will no longer have religious authority.

2. Freedom of religion and worship will be granted. However, the official religion of the Empire is Islam.

3. Religion will NOT be taught in schools. The Empire believes that religion is a personal matter, and will not impose upon its citizens any religion.

4. There will be government-run religious schools, catering to all religions. Citizens, however, are not forced to enroll.

5. All independent religious schools will be banned.

ECONOMY
1. The Empire will encourage foreign investment in all major business and trade.

2. There will be a Corporate Tax imposed on all large private businesses.

3. The government will try to provide very low interest loans to Small and Medium enterprises, to help boost economical growth.

4. There will be a permanent peg on the Ringgit to the US Dollar, set at RM3.5 to the dollar.

EDUCATION
1. The Empire will ban all vernacular schools, and bring back English-language vernaculars.

2. Private vernacular schools will be allowed to be run, but only with a government approved syllabus.

3. Primary and Secondary education will be fully subsidized(free-lah), provided for by the government.

4. Diploma-level tertiary education will be fully subsidized, even in private institutions.

5. All government tertiary education will be fully subsidized. Private education institutions will remain as they are.

6. Home-schooling will be banned, and will be considered a criminal offense.

HEALTH CARE
1. All government health care will be fully subsidized for all citizens, regardless of whether they work in government or not.

2. Private health institutions will remain as they are.

CRIME & PUNISHMENT
1. The death penalty will be imposed on ALL crimes for offenders over the age of 18.
NOTE : ALL CRIMES means exactly what it says. If you steal a piece of candy from a shop and are found guilty of it, then you will die.

2. Juvenile offenders will be sent to special "Counseling Schools" for 7 years or until the reach 18 years of age, whichever period is longer.

3. The only method of execution approved is by hanging.

LAW & ORDER
1. A new unit of enforcement called the Imperial Guard will be formed, and answerable only to the Emperor himself. The Imperial Guard will oversee matters of Intelligence(local and foreign), and watch over any political dissent from within and without the Empire.

2. The police force will remain as is, except that all matters of Intelligence will be transferred to the Imperial Guard.

FOREIGN POLICY
1. Indonesia
a. The Empire will continue to be friendly towards Indonesia. However, we will not tolerate ridiculous demands from its citizens (such as the "Rasa Sayang" issue, etc). Demands such as these will just be ignored.
b. If Indonesia continues to disregard its citizens(and sadly, our citizens) conducting open forest burnings, the Empire will be forced to intervene.

2. Singapore
Singapore will be reclaimed as part of the Empire, and renamed Temasik.

3. The West
The Empire will welcome all foreign investments. However, we will wholeheartedly protest and retaliate against any foreign power who encroaches on our sovereignty and the sovereignty of our Allies.

4. "Israel"
Diplomatic relations will remain non-existent. "Israel" as a state will not be recognized as a valid nation, and the Empire terms "Israel" as an organized-crime entity. People of the Jewish faith, however, will be treated with respect and tolerance. It is Zionism and the criminal "Jewish State" that the Empire refuses to recognize.

5. The Middle East
The Empire will encourage the countries of the middle east, primarily the Arab nations, to forget their bickering for once and form a united front against "Israel" and other criminal forces.

6. Brunei
Brunei will be invited to join the Empire. If it refuses, we will exact an annual tribute, as in the case of Kelantan.

IMMIGRATION
1. All illegal immigrants will be put to death.

2. Legal immigrants will receive a small amount of financial aid from the government.

MILITARY
1. The whole defense system will be restructured and a massive armament program will commence.

2. The Empire reserves the right to protect its borders against all real and perceived threats.

MISC
1. The nation will be renamed the Empire of Malaya, with Sabah and Sarawak as states within the Empire, along with Temasik.

2. The parliamentary system will be abolished, the Emperor will rule by decree.

3. The justice system will remain in place, with the Emperor in an advisory position.

4. The individual state Rulers, however will not rule as they please. They will be, in effect, governors, ruling by the Grace of the Emperor.

========================================================

OK, so far that’s it. I’m sure there are a lot of other issues I need to address, but I’m too lazy to think of them right now.

The ramblings of a crazy person? Maybe, but fuck you. You’ll die when I rule.

Yusof Haslam,

Wow. Wonder-boy has done it again. But this time you’ve gone too damn far, have you? The 2 episodes of GERAK KHAS which so obviously depicted the abduction and murder of Allahyarham Nurin Jazlin must have sent your cash-senses a-tingling.

You cocky, self-centered bastard.

I am appalled at your audacity, selfishness and insensitivity. How dare you play upon the grief and mourning of Allahyarham Nurin Jazlin’s family. How dare you play upon the grief of the Malaysian public.

While I am disgusted at the mere thought of you, I am sadly not surprised. What else could one expect from a "film-maker" such as yourself? Someone who could make such sub-mediocre (that’s right, SUB-MEDIOCRE) films like SEMBILU could surely come up with something as stupid as that.

How could you be so fucking stupid? Do you actually think your ‘apology’ could undo the damage? It’s not even been a year since the incident, and already you’re doing something like this.

I’ve read that there are talks of you being cited for contempt of court. I hope the courts strip you of everything you have. If it were up to me, I’d stuff my foot so far up your ass that you’d be able to taste the dogshit I stepped on this morning.

It’s not enough that you’ve dragged our film industry down to horse-shit. It’s not enough that you churn out one mindless drivel after another. It’s not enough that you’ve profited from turning Malay movie-goers into brainless, unthinking imbeciles. but you just have to pull of some crock of crap like this.

Are you shameless? Yeah, I guess that’s probably it. I bet that when you scan the newspapers and read of tragedies like this, you only think about how you might profit from it. Well, that makes you no better than the gunk I scrape out of my nose.

I’ll say it again : You are a cocky, self-centered, arrogant, unthinking, insensitive, shit-smoking, motherfucking bastard.

Shit, I’m so angry I can’t even construct my sentences properly.

In all sincerity, I wish you’d give all of your money towards the cause of reducing tragedies like this. I really do. It’s such a shame that while there are families out there grieving for their losses, all you could think about is "Wow, I bet this would make a good movie/TV show".

I hope you burn to death in a fire, and then burn in hell afterwards.

By the way, you’ll notice that I don’t refer to you as ‘Dato’. I’ve always thought that you were undeserving of that title. What you’ve done simply reinforces my opinion.

Very sincerely,
Adlan

"Proverbs of the Wise Old Hermit" will be titled "Analects" from now on.

1. I do not listen to unsolicited advice. If I don’t ask for it, I do not care for what you have to say.

2. Getting good exam results does not mean you are clever. It just means you are good at memorizing information, which is a talent in itself.

3. What good is y=mx+c in real life? It’s good for absolutely nothing.

Just three this time.

I really wish my conscience would prevent me from bludgeoning, or stabbing, Idiots to death.

Hello Idiots(with a capital I).

Right, so it’s 2008 already. Yay. I’m so excited I poo-ed a little.

So what have I learned in the past year? Since I so very much enjoy making angry, rambling lists, I’m gonna treat all of you Idiots out there to another one of my awe-inspiring lists.

I have learned that :

1. Idiots are everywhere, so I’m not going to call people "people" anymore. I’m gonna call them Idiots. The official scientific term for the species formerly known as Homo Sapiens is now Homo Plumbeus. That’s Latin. Go look it up. If you can’t find out what it means, then you are definitely a Homo Plumbeus.

2. Drivers in Malaysia, especially in Shah Alam, are the biggest Idiots of them all. One wonders how they ever obtained their driving licenses. Well, I have a theory.
They probably bribed their examiners with :
a. Money
b. A Blowjob
c. Both
I personally think the answer is (c). And that goes for both men and women. You fucking cocksuckers, I wish you all of would get off the fucking roads and hang yourselves with a thin nylon rope so that it cuts into your skin and you die slowly. I also hope your children walk into the room while you die. And then I hope your children will die, too. It would be a crime for you to reproduce, because your offspring will be degenerate assholes like you.

3. Mat Rempit are in a totally different class. I would call them Super Idiots. I wish I had a pet Mat Rempit to torture. I would inject their veins with air and watch them have aneurysms. Gosh, wouldn’t that be fun? I get giddy just thinking about it.

4. I have ZERO TOLERANCE for stupidity.

I wanted to make this list longer, but it’s 4.33am and I’m tired. My new year’s resolution is to be as much of a jerk as is humanly possible, and try my best to instill fear in all you Idiots out there.

I am, however, looking forward to one thing. And that is starting a new life real soon with my lovely and beautiful Ayeen.

So, with that, have a miserable New Year, Idiots!

PS - An education really does wonders. Try it.

1. Malaysians + Toilets = A rat with leprosy living in the slums of India.

2. Men who bleach their hair don’t seem to realize that people are laughing at them, not with them.

3. If you tell me you have a large penis, you probably have a small one.

4. I don’t care about your problems, so fuck off.

5. Most people, with very few exceptions, are idiots.

6. Fat girls shouldn’t wear lowrider jeans. It’s just disgusting.

7. People who smell bad shouldn’t go out in public.

8. Fatties shouldn’t wear tight clothing. That’s just common sense.

9. Street protesters should be shot on sight.

If you’ve seen the Petronas Hari Raya commercial, which tugs at the heartstrings, you’ll know what these comics are about. Click on the thumbnails to view full size. Cheers!

By the way, here’s the actual commercial : PETRONAS HARI RAYA AD 2007